News From the Future

Shang-a-Nicolang

March 3, 2010: Scotland's Deputy First Minister Nicola Sturgeon (top left) has revealed that before she entered politics, she auditioned for The Bay City Rollers. "I sang shang-a-lang, as I ran with the gang, doin doo wop be dooby do eye," said Sturgeon yesterday. "But they said bye bye baby, baby goodbye, so I joined the Scottish Nationalist Party..."

Toy Boy

December 1, 2010: TV historian Neil Oliver is now available as a wind-up toy, ready for Xmas.

Just call him "wee man" or "big head" and he goes on and on and on until he gets another BBC series...

Queen wins Oscar

February 26, 2008: Elizabeth II has been crowned the Queen of Hollywood, following her triumph at the Oscars, winning the "Best Actress" award for her performance in the new film Helen Mirren.

Accepting her Oscar, the Queen saluted Mirren, and praised her "for maintaining her hairstyle and getting her kit off in more than 50 films."

Friday, January 12, 2007

Rolling Stony

December 24, 2012: Veteran guitarist Tony Blair has denied that inviting the British PM Robin Gibb to his holiday home over Christmas was a cynical ploy to boost flagging sales of his music - and put himself up for an honour. "If I wanted a knighthood, I'd buy it like everyone else," said the Ugly Rumours front man.

Sir Tony yesterday...

Ugly Rumours?

December 23, 2012: British Prime Minister Robin Gibb has come under fire after spending Christmas at the home of Tony Blair, the lead guitarist with the rock band Ugly Rumours. “I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,” said Gibb yesterday, “but I didn't see that the joke was on me…”

Top 10 Ex-BG PM (above)...

Friday, December 15, 2006

Conspiracy Conspiracy Conspiracy

December 20, 2008: The latest inquiry into the death of Princess Diana has confirmed that there was a conspiracy, involving the French secret service, MI5, the Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, the CIA, Al Qaeda, Rupert Murdoch and Prince Charles.

“The Daily Express and Mohammed Fayed have always claimed her death was a conspiracy,” the inquiry concluded. “For decades, they have blamed it on the French secret service, MI5, the Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, the CIA, Al Qaeda, Rupert Murdoch and Prince Charles, and we have finally been able to confirm that it was them who were responsible for everything.”

Did you know? "White Fiat Uno" is an anagram of "Lee Harvey Oswald."

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Lost Boy

January 20, 2008: Pop star Robbie Williams (far left) is the long-lost son of comic Norman Wisdom (near left), according to a new book out today.

"This is a terrible insult, not just to my personal appearance and my talent as a singer and a dancer but also to my family and loved ones. Even to mention me in the same sentence as a clown like Robbie Williams is an insult," said Wisdom.

posted by Arthur Seat @ 3:24 PM 0 comments

Friday, November 10, 2006

Games Games

June 15, 2012: The government announced today that due to a shortage of funds, the 2012 Olympics will now be held in 2024.

To reduce costs, the decathlon will be cut to 8 events, while the heptathlon will be cut to only 5 events and the modern pentathlon to 3. The triple jump will now become the double jump and the 100 metres will be cut in half to 50 - while the new Olympic flag (below) will now be just 3 rings.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Under A Mushroom Cloud

October 3, 2008: Following its humiliating defeat in the General Election, when it failed to win one single seat, the Conservative Party has designed a new logo (above).

Said former leader David Cameron (left): “It isn’t the end of the world, but…”

Naked Ambition

October 2, 2008: A statue of the former Tory leader David Cameron has been unveiled in London. The controversial statue (The David) has been criticised for being unoriginal, but some commentators have said that this makes it more realistic.

(Left) Well-Hung Parliament?

Friday, September 29, 2006

A Star Is Born

October 20, 2006: Disneyland cartoonists have responded to the recent demotion of Pluto by voting to make him a star. “Astronomers say Pluto isn’t a planet no more,” said a spokesman, “but we say that’s Goofy...”

Thursday, September 28, 2006

News Shock Horror

September 12, 2007: According to the intelligence services, the invasion of Iraq has increased the risk of terrorist attacks by Islamic extremists. Religious experts also confirmed yesterday that the Pope is not a Muslim.

"Oh, do the Hopey Popey..."

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Not with A Bigger Bang but A Whimper

September 21, 2006: Guitarist Keith Richards has sensationally quit the Rolling Stones in the middle of their latest World Tour, and become a violinist with the English National Orchestra. “Since I had my brain transplant,” Richards announced, “I’ve been out of my head all the time…”

Richards (left): "This is how the World Tour ends..."

The Day The Music Died

Buddy Holly then & now (left): "That will be the day..."

September 20, 2006: Following the Rolling Stones’ arrival in Boston to embark on the American leg of their latest world tour, Buddy Holly has decided to come out of retirement.

“If they think they can still play live, then I can do it dead,” croaked the late rock and roll star.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Code Red

August 11, 2006:

The government today announced new easy-to-understand colour codes for terrorist alerts:

critical – attack imminent

severe – attack highly likely

substantial – attack strong possibility

moderate – attack possible but not likely

low – attack unlikely

code red – attack inevitable

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Yo! Bushi

August 21, 2007:
Ex-US President George W. Bush has taken over Yo! Blair, the restaurant chain recently opened in Britain, now to be known as Yo! Bushi.

“Even though conveyor belts deliver the food to the tables,” said Bush yesterday, “Tony still takes the orders…”

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Ceasefire? What Ceasefire?

January 23, 2012:
Dissociated Press has apologised following the revelation that its photo of the Middle-East ceasefire agreement was altered using Photoshop.

Can you tell the difference?

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Yo! Blair

August 14, 2007:
Following his retirement from politics, ex-PM Tony Blair has opened a new chain of restaurants called Yo! Blair.

“What comes around, comes around,” said Mr Blair at the launch yesterday. “But instead of raw fish, like Yo! Sushi, I serve up half-baked ideas…”

Friday, August 04, 2006

Mr Copyright

August 15, 2020:
Following attempts by major companies to copyright everything, including the alphabet, the Copyright Office has decided to copyright the copyright sign.

From now on, anyone seeking to copyright anything will have to apply for permission to the Copyright Office for permission to apply to the Copyright Office for permission to use the copyright sign in any application to the Copyright Office. (Left: Mr Copyright, the new Copyright Ambassador) © News From The Future

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Spot The Real Mao

February 22, 2008:
Win a trip for two to the Beijing Olympics by entering this week's great competition!

All you have to do is "Spot The Real Mao" and sign an agreement promising not to engage in any subversive activities during your stay in the capital city.

Plus FREE self-testing drugs kit and a special signed copy of the Great Leader's Little Black Book, including the names and addresses of some of China's best-known actresses.

Finally, when you have Spotted Mao, complete the following sentence in no less than 10,000 words: "I love the Communist Party because..."

Last week's winner: Mr Mao of Beijing.

Off Your Headlines

October 30, 2028:
Responding to concern about the continuing conflict in Iraq, Sudan, Afghanistan, the Balkans, Egypt, Pakistan, Cambodia, Nigeria, Iran, Dubai, Zimbabwe, Argentina, Laos and Lebanon, a UN spokesman said today: "The end is nigh..."

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Following a drugs test, former sprinter Menzies Campbell has been stripped of the leadership of the Liberal Democrat Party.

"We knew something was up when he made his big speech at the conference last week," said former leader Charles Kennedy. "Questions were asked when he finished in 9.6 seconds, compared to his previous personal best of 63 minutes, 45 seconds."

October 7, 2029:
As The War Against Terrorism (TWAT) entered its 29th year...